No rules at Primark

Primark.... a world all its own... go in if you dare!

Primark is an overall 'unique' experience. But just like anything talked about enough, like a movie that got a bad film review, you think, ‘I just must see it'. 

That was why I went. Oh, and of course, because I know of no other place to buy flat work shoes for £3.46! 

When I arrived in London, I met a few local Aussies who had been here for a while. I asked for their top tips or hints for London. Most said, "get an Oyster card", "have a snake bite at a walkie," and "go to Primark". 

As a woman, I should not be scared of shopping. But I am. I not scared of the shops but the shoppers, assistants, and mirrors in changing rooms showing me my body at angles I previously had the privilege of avoiding seeing. 

Shoppers are generally ok, but not those on 'a mission' with trolleys and young children. I like the shopper who knows what they want and where it is.

They seem calm, at peace, knowing they will be satisfied at the end of their shopping trip.

But the other group, ‘on a mission’, are unsure, easily irritated, and generally rude. Stay clear of these shoppers.

They will knock you down if you get in their way- and they don't even know where they are going! 

The shoppers with prams or trolleys are also people I am nervous around. Unfortunately, you do not need a license to own and drive one of these vehicles... and you should.

They can go anywhere, stop anytime, and if you’re standing where they need to go, they will drive you down and then, without even a hint of an apology, drive on by. You become shopping roadkill.

There should be shop rules for people driving a trolley. If you can't push your pram or trolley and be aware of the parameters of your vehicle, you don't get a license to drive one.

I remember standing in a queue in H&M on Oxford Street, and there was a woman with a pram behind me. She looked like she was in a rush, but hell, it was Christmas, everyone was in a rush, and she consistently pushed her pram into my ankles. I’d then look back at her, she’d apologise and do it again.

I wanted to say, ‘Look, lady, you are not going to get there any faster than me, and pushing your pram into my ankles will only make me decide to question the price of every item scanned!'

Bitchy, yes, but sometimes this type of behaviour is needed in war conditions...especially in a war against women shopping!

Why do women seem to transform into crazy maniacs when a sale is on?

When I was younger, I worked in Kmart. Every day in the morning, there was a red spotlight sale. The items in this junk bin were damaged in some way, sometimes minor, sometimes major damage, and were marked down because of the damage. It never ceased to amaze me how women would come in, timing it perfectly for the red spotlight sale, and race to the marked down stock bin like a team of rugby players to a loose ball. What I could not believe is how, after searching for their marked-down toaster, they'd have the nerve to ask for a further discount because it was damaged!!! That is why it is in the trash and treasure bin!

Men never bargained.

It is a woman’s domain.  

I enjoyed saying "no" to the desperate shoppers looking for a further discount on their bargain basement item. This was the only enjoyment I could clutch onto when I worked that horrible Sunday morning shift.

I think Primark is like a constant sale, which goes towards explaining the maniacal behaviour that goes on inside the doors. Walk in, then become the new gold medallist for walking, dashing, bobbing, and weaving like a basketball player until you get to the rack you've been searching for, and when you get there, pick each item of clothing on the rack up and dump it back down, anywhere, and leave. 

Primark is messy (well, at least the first few hours after trading opens – it was neat once).

Clothes are everywhere and anywhere. If your size isn't on the rack, go to the shoe section; it is highly probable that the shirt you want is shoved behind a boot somewhere.

I have never seen so many clothes and items in one shop. I think the roof must open, and a helicopter releases the clothes.

They are only on racks because some landed on a shelf, or some diligent, neat customer came in when the shop opened and set themselves a challenge, two racks tidied by midday - of course, they give up on this by ten and leave unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

I've taken a knitted jumper off a shelf, then tried to fold it to put back on the shelf, but it just looked messy. I think the clothes are in on it, I’m sure it unfolded itself as soon as I placed it back on the shelf! 

Primark can never be big enough; even the superstore on Oxford Street in London is not big enough.

People and clothes squish into the store together.

I think the Primark squeeze could give peak hour on a London tube a run for its money. Just when you think it is a bursting point, another rack of clothes gets pulled out from the storage area...I expect one day for it to explode, and all the contents will be thrown from Marble Arch to Holborn. 

Another interesting part of a Primark shopping trip is the difficulty in getting into a changing room. You will see in Primark women trying on their clothes in front of mirrors in the store. Shoppers dress for Primark, wearing leggings and singlets to allow them to try all types of clothes on the shop floor. I vowed never to get to this point.... Just as I vowed never to wear my bikini to a public park and pretend I’m at the beach. I thought that when I think of Hyde Park is Manly Beach it is time to go home. With pride, I can say I've not been in my cosies in a London park... But I have to admit I have tried clothes on in front of the mirror at my local Primark. 

Primark shoppers seem to leave their manners at the door – which is absolutely necessary. I’m sure when a shopper walks to the front door of Primark and picks up a basket, they put down their manners and think, 'thank you, I won't be needing you anymore'!

If you look around, the demographics of Primark shoppers are diverse, but one thing is clear- men don’t shop at Primark; they may be in the store, but they are not shopping. They are mostly searching for their girlfriend or wife. Poor lost soldiers. Some of them look like they have been lost for days. I’m sure many came in clean-shaven and now have a 12 o’clock shadow. It is a cruel woman who takes their man to Primark and dumps them in the hosiery section and walks off. 

On the occasions I've taken my boyfriend to Primark, I have considered attaching him to me like a toddler on a belt. I don't want to see him roaming with a look of despair on his face, only matched by that moment in a football match when you realise your team cannot win. I thought the toddler strap was an excellent idea – this would allow him to see me, thereby reducing his fear of being lost or left behind in Primark, and I could still find him to allow him to pay! Win / Win. He of course, found a better solution 'How about you go in, and I'll go to the Nike shop, and we meet back at Starbucks in an hour?'

Noooooooooooo! Don’t leave me to shop alone... I don’t know what may happen to me.