Driving-Drives Me Bonkers

Why every car should come with dodgem bumpers, multi-tone horns, and a wind-out hand with attitude.

If driving were a test of patience, I’d fail before I even got the keys out of the fruit bowl. Not because I’m a reckless driver, I use indicators, check my mirrors, and have only reversed into one wheelie bin in the last three years, but because being on the road brings out a very specific type of rage that only other drivers truly understand.

There’s just something about it. One minute, you're singing to 90s bangers on the radio, then the next minute, you’re behind someone doing their full skincare routine in the rearview mirror while the light has gone green, and your plans for being on time vanish like the last car spot at school pickup.

This is exactly why I believe cars should come with dodgem bumper bars. Not for smashing. We’re not talking demolition derby. But just a polite nudge. A little tap tap to say, “Hi there, it’s go time. Eyes forward, mascara down.” If that doesn’t work, then yes, we escalate. Full dodgem mode activated. They had their chance.

To pair beautifully with the bumper bar, we should also get a wind-out hand. Not a creepy one. Just a small, well-behaved hand that allows you to express the moment clearly. Maybe a quick tap on the car next to you to say “excuse me,” a push when someone forgets how to merge, or even a simple thumbs up when someone actually lets you in with grace. Of course, it also needs to have a thumbs down setting for when someone pretends not to see you, puts the blinkers on at the very last second, and decides “merge” means “I’m coming in now whether you like it or not”, and yes, when the situation calls for it, we all know when to flick the bird. Sometimes nothing else will do.

Then we have the horn. The current one-horn-fits-all setup is frankly unhelpful. We need options. Levels. Horns that match the situation.

1. Level one: a soft, friendly beep. “Hi, yes, you, the lights are green. Time to go.”

2. Level two: slightly firmer. “Hey mate, just reminding you I’m behind you before you reverse into me.”

3. Level three: serious honk. “You just merged directly into my lane like I was invisible. This is not Mario Kart.”

4. Level four: the ‘stop now before you become Flat Stanley’ horn. That one’s for the kids walking across roads without looking up from their phones. It’s not aggressive; it’s survival.

While I’m at it, I do think it’s time we brought back driving tests. Not every year, that would be cruel, but every 10 or 15 years feels fair. Just a refresher, a little test to make sure we still remember the actual road rules instead of whatever version we’ve made up over time,

because let’s be honest: even the best drivers would struggle to get a high distinction without brushing up. I mean, do you know:

• How far can you park from a roundabout or bus zone?

• Who gives way at a cross-intersection when everyone arrives at the same time?

• When can you cross over double lines?

Over time, we forget the rules. We get relaxed, we follow what everyone else does, and then we’re all just winging it together and silently judging each other for doing it slightly differently. That’s how we end up with people braking in tunnels, indicating after they’ve turned, or overtaking in school zones. It’s a mess.

One day, I know all of this will be solved by driverless cars. We’ll sit in the back, sipping coffee, yelling at the artificial intelligence while it tries to navigate a three-lane roundabout in Canberra, but until then, we need help.

So to the car manufacturers of the world, here’s what I’m asking.

• Give us dodgem-style bumper bars.

• Give us a wind-out hand that can tap, push, wave, thumbs-up, thumbs-down, and flip the bird on our behalf.

• Give us multi-tone horns that let us gently alert, firmly correct, or stop someone from becoming a cautionary tale, and

• Maybe, just maybe, bring back the driving test. Let’s all get a little refresher every decade or two. Not to shame anyone, just to remind us all how the road actually works.

That’s all I want. That and someone to explain why people still slow down to 40 on a freeway when there is nothing there. Not even a pothole. Honestly people!

Anyway, I’ll take the dodgem bumper bar, the horn symphony, and the expressive wind-out hand now, thanks.