Catching a bus in London

Tips and Hints to catching a bus in London

Who would think that there is art to catching a bus, but in London there is. You may think standing at a bus stop is enough, it isn't. 

In London buses are unique. Not just in colour, shape and size. But on the tricks you need to master to ensure you get on board. 

For all those about to come to London or those still at their bus stop waiting to finally get on the bus they need I will give you a few inside tips.

1. The stop is not always the stop.

I know what you are thinking, she is standing at the wrong stop wondering where her bus is... Wrong. Sometimes the bus won’t stop at the stop, it will stop a few buses behind where it should stop, sometimes in the middle of the road and sometimes at a completely different area. I think they do this to keep commuters on their toes, or maybe when they share a pint with their bus driver buddies, they can laugh at the number of faces people pulled when they realised they just missed their bus.

You know that face, you are standing in the wet with hundreds of other grumpy people, you feel like you've been waiting for hours, then in the distance you see your bus. You think, it is your bus, and you squint into the wind and rain to make sure you read 16, not 61. It is your bus, now excited and finally able to smile you get ready to feel that weird warmth that comes from jammed public transport in winter. Other cars and buses are coming past and stopping...Surely your bus is here by now... Starting to get a little annoyed, you look around only to see your bus driving off, what happened. You’re at the stop. Why didn't it stop? You look up at the sign checking you’re at the right stand, you are, you then look back at the bus, what just happened. Expressions move from happiness to confusion to anger to despair, and the bus driver enjoyed every minute of your emotional roller coaster ride. 

When I first arrived in London, I missed my bus so many times I learnt through time that the bus stop is just that, an area where a bus may stop. Your job is to hunt it down and make it stop.

2. The bus may not go where it says it will

Sometimes it seems the bus drivers cannot go all the way, I don't mean with their partner, I mean to their destination as posted on the signage on the front of their bus.

Take the other day for instance, I got on a bus heading towards Hammersmith.  I checked before getting on and noted the sign on the front of the bus said towards Hammersmith. For some unknown reason, two stops from my destination the bus stops at a bus stop and switches the lights off in the bus. Confused, I look at the other passengers and ask what is happening, the driver yells down the bus "bus terminates here please catch the next bus if you need to go further along this route". What the? Questioning the driver is a waste of time but I thought I'd still ask him "Why are you stopping?". He said the same line again, and I realised he didn’t care or know why, he just is. I thought maybe he is tired of driving a bus? Maybe his wife called and said dinner is ready! Whatever the reason, I was now back out in the cold waiting for the next bus.

Maybe the fact the sign said towards Hammersmith meant just that, towards. Towards doesn't mean it will necessarily get there. Maybe the sign should say 'maybe Hammersmith' just to help us passengers out. Otherwise, Mayor of London, you’re leading us on with a false sense of hope that we might finally reach our destination.

3. Bus drivers are generally unhappy and sadistic people

I am sure some drivers are happy, they are new to the job or have been in it so long they are immune to any feeling towards the errors of passengers, and some are just doing it between jobs as something to do, but in the most part they are not happy.

This is completely understandable; they have a shit job. But they chose it so don’t hurl abuse or anger at me; I don't want to be on your bus as much as you don't want to be driving it. If you’re standing at the stop he will stop a meter away, just to make you walk. If you need to check for money, he will kick you off and just as you find your oyster card he will drive off.  Try not to need to ask your driver for directions or information as he is unlikely to tell you, definitely never try to get on with a bike and if you are running towards the bus arms all over the place trying to hail him down, even after he sees you he is unlikely to stop or remain at the stop to allow you to get on. Yes folks, they are unhappy.

I also say they are sadistic because these small things during their shift I'm positive bring them joy in their otherwise dull job. To be fair I'm sure most of us would be the same if we were a London bus driver. But as a passenger I hate that I'm a part of the group they extract their daily enjoyment from.

4. Not every bus driver went to bus driving school

It is obvious that not all drivers went to driving school, or if they did, they did not pay attention. How do I know you ask, just get on and take a ride and you too will start questioning where they learnt not to drive.

There are three different types of bus in London. I wonder are drivers taught how to drive each kind? The normal bus, one level, one bus. The bendy bus, one level, two buses joined together with rubber in the middle, and finally the double decker bus, a bus on top of a bus. It would seem reasonable to hope that if you are driving a bus you are trained on how to drive each of the different kinds of buses, and not just thrown into a double decker bus one morning after always driving the normal bus. 

If you are on a double decker bus, are you brave enough to go up the stairs? I challenge myself with this every time I ride a double decker. So many thoughts race through my mind as I gaze up the stairs. Will I, wont I, do I feel stable, have I had a few drinks and feel unstable, or after a few drinks feel filled with confidence. I time it as best as I can with traffic lights and stops. You have to time it. I find it fun watching others play this game, see people starring up the stairs making sure the path is free, looking ahead a traffic, then dashing up the stairs, body leaning so far forward they are nearly horizontal, gripping the rail with both hands so tightly you think they might bend the metal!

Once you make it up the stairs you clamber your way to a seat, take a deep breath, a sigh of relief and feel thankful to be sitting down. Time to start planning how you will get back down. It is a similar strategy, but with the jerking of the bus the wrong way compared to the direction you are facing, the prospect of falling forward is much more likely.

 Now on thinking about this point maybe it relates to point three; bus drivers are unhappy and sadistic. Maybe they do know how to drive, so well in fact they know exactly what they are doing and enjoy watching passengers roll around, fall over, trip up and down stairs. These daily passenger challenges are part of what brings them joy.

I do have to hand it to the bus drivers though; they get around skinny London streets with crazy black cabs, silly pedestrians and maniac cyclists and only knock down or run into a few people, cars, buses, cabs every week. Probably a reasonable statistic given these factors.

So, there you have it, some basic tips and hints for those who are about to embark on taking a journey on a London bus. If you are a holiday maker in London with time to spare, try and get on the different types of buses London offers and see how far you get along your route.

Or if you are a local grab a bottle of wine and go sit in a bus shelter and watch the emotional roller coaster ride of the passengers around you and the faces of the bus drivers acknowledging only through a slight upwards movement of their mouth the joy, they get from tormenting those wanting to ride on their bus.